English Writing - 4

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to study history and literature than it is for them to study science and mathematics. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

[Drafting]

Studying science and mathematics is more important than studying history and literature as students.
Because history and literature can be one hobby, but mathematics and science can not.

you can hear easily who has a hobby for reading books, but you can rarely hear who has a hobby for solving math problems. because plenty of people have no hobby in math. But math is one of the most important knowledge in life. so we should learn math in school.

Also, nowadays there is so much news about science-related things. If you want to know or want to apply this news to new things, you have to know about it. But except for school, there is no place to teach you science properly. so learning science in school is also important.

In conclusion, math and science are essential knowledge. So If you can get this study, you should learn about it. and in school life is only one choice you can choose. 

 

[Tutor Revision]

Studying science and mathematics is more important than studying history and literature as students.
Because history and literature can be one hobby, but mathematics and science can not.

You can hear easily who has a hobby for reading books, but you can rarely hear who has a hobby for solving math problems. Because plenty of people have no hobby in math. But math is one of the most important knowledge in life. So we should learn math in school.

Also, nowadays there is so much news about science-related things. If you want to know or want to apply this news to new things, you have to know about it. But except for school, there is no place to teach you science properly. So learning science in school is also important.

In conclusion, math and science are essential knowledge. So if you can get this study, you should learn about it and school life it. and in school life is only one choice you can choose.

 

[Comment]

In the writing, the two mistakes you've made were regarding capitalization and the other was connecting two sentences that had similar ideas. You always should capitalize the first letter in the beginning of a sentence. Also, do not capitalize letters in the middle of a sentence unless they are proper nouns. In the last sentence you've written, the two sentences could have been connected so it's better to remove the comma and connect the sentence with a conjunction. The organization and the development of your writing was good, so just work on your capitalization in English!