English Writing - 5

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

[Drafting]

If I could change only one thing about my hometown, I want to change the road system to be more human-friendly for the resident's health.

first, lacking a walk side affects the resident's health more harm. So expanding walk path is more helpful for people. 

Second, There were incidents with cars and people sometimes. It might be prepared by constructing a path road. 

for neighbors' peace and safety, the most important is rebuilding the sidewalk.

[Tutor Revision]

If I could change only one thing about my hometown, I want to change the road system to be more human-friendly for the resident's health. First, lacking a sidewalk affects the resident's health. So expanding sidewalk paths is more helpful for people. lacking a walk side affects the resident's health more harm. So expanding walk path is more helpful for people. Second, there were incidents with car and people sometimes, so by constructing new paths and roads can be good for both. There were incidents with cars and people sometimes. It might be prepared by constructing a path road. For neighbors' peace and safety, the most important is rebuilding the sidewalk.

 

[Comment]

This is practice for TOEFL writing, so if you want to get a high score in TOEFL, you might want to change the organization and the format for the writing. You had a good thesis and topic statements, but there were no details regarding the thesis and the topic sentences. You need to be elaborate more on the topic sentences. You should mention examples about why bigger sidewalks are needed and why new roads should be constructed for less accidents. In the next writing, please elaborate more on your ideas. Keep up the good work!