English Writing - 18

Write about the following topic (give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples): Some people think that people who work in the field of sports and entertainment (actors, singers, soccer players, etc.) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? If you disagree, which jobs should be highly paid?

 

[Drafting]

I think sports stars and entertainers deserve to earn a lot of money because they have special talents. and These people are in the minority. in their field.

Firstly, they face a lot of challenges to get the highest position. In the field of sports and entertainment, there is not enough room for all people who want to be a star. and systematically this field is that winner takes all. 

Second, they can affect people who pay to watch sports games, musicals, and concerts. Some people can get a dream and Other people can be consoled. People are willing to pay big for these performances.

Third, They seem to make a lot of money easily, but in fact, they should have spent a lot of money on the training process. Therefore, it makes sense to make a lot of money by looking at the amount of investment and the intensity of competition.

As mentioned earlier, I think that these people who are involved in the field of sports and entertainment have a right to get more money. 

 

[Tutor Revision]

I think sports stars and entertainers deserve to earn a lot of money because they have special talents. Also those who are paid a lot are in the minority of their field. These people are in the minority. in their field.

Firstly, they face a lot of challenges to get the highest position. In the field of sports and entertainment, there is not enough room for all people who want to be a star and and systematically this field is that winner takes all.

Second, they can affect people who pay to watch sports games, musicals, and concerts. Some people can get a dream and other people can be consoled. People are willing to pay big for these performances.

Third, they seem to make a lot of money easily, but in fact, they should have spent a lot of money on the training process. Therefore, it makes sense to make a lot of money by looking at the amount of investment and the intensity of competition.

As mentioned earlier, I think that these people who are involved in the field of sports and entertainment have a right to get more money.

 

[Commnet]

Your writing seems to have really clear development and organization. Regarding that, you don't have to change anything. However, you seem to only have one or two sentences per paragraph, so try to write at least three to four sentences about your topic statement. For example, in your third sentence you can maybe add an example of an athlete that you know about and explain how they started from a young age, so they had to put in a lot of money from that age. Anyways, besides being a bit more detailed, your writing is good! Also, be careful of capitalization mistakes and don't put a period before the conjunction 'and'.