English Writing - 16

Some young children spend a great amount of their time practicing sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

[Drafting]

I support that young children spend their time practicing some sports like soccer, baseball, hockey, and basketball. 

First, young people have a right to play whatever sports they want to. So It only depends on their willingness. 

Second, Learning sports when they are young is important. because young people can learn any sports more easily than older people and they can have a chance to be successful in athletics. 

Third, Some sports must be learned by young people. Swimming in the sea or lakes must be learned for safety.

In conclusion, there are three reasons why young people can spend their time to learn sports. 

 

[Tutor Revision]

I support that young children spend their time practicing some sports like soccer, baseball, hockey, and basketball. First, young people have a right to play whatever sports they want to. So It only depends on their willingness. Second, learning sports when they are young is important. because young people can learn any sports more easily than older people and they can have a chance to be successful in athletics. Third, some sports must be learned by young people. Swimming in the sea or lakes must be learned for safety. In conclusion, there are three reasons why young people can spend their time to learn sports.

 

[Commnet]

Great job writing your topics regarding this TOEFL topic. You did make some excellent points, but your writing lacked a bit more detail. You've put one sentence per idea, and it would have been better to elaborate in the writing. You should add detail when you actually take a TOEFL test because it does make a difference for your score. Also, do not capitalize a letter in the middle of a sentence unless it is a proper noun. You only need to put the word in capitalization after a period, not a comma.