English Writing - 9

Grades encourage students to learn. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

 

[Drafting]

I can't entirely agree that grades encourage students to learn because grading student's performance makes students to be consequentialist. I can't entirely agree that grades encourage students to learn because grading student's performance makes students to be consequentialist. 

firstly, if the person who is charged with taking students makes grades for each student, students do not concentrate on their studies but only focus on How they got great grades.

secondly, Scores can always be distorted, and evaluating students by numbers is too bigoted.

In conclusion, I think that scores are a hindrance to students' learning motivation rather than help them.

 

[Tutor Revision]

I can't entirely agree that grades encourage students to learn because grading student's performance makes students to be consequentialists. can't entirely agree that grades encourage students to learn because grading student's performance makes students to be consequentialist.

Firstly, if the person who is charged with taking students makes grades for each student, students do not concentrate on their studies but only focus on How they got great grades.

Secondly, scores Scores can always be distorted, and evaluating students by numbers is too bigoted.

In conclusion, I think that scores are a hindrance to students' learning motivation rather than help them.

 

[Comment]

Hmmm, for this writing, you've wrote too little. There was a thesis and a topic sentence for each paragraph, but there were not enough supporting details. This is TOEFL writing, so you need to have at least three sentences for each paragraph in order for you to get a good score. Also there was a repeated sentence in your first paragraph, so be sure to not make this similar mistake the next time. Check my comments for the specifics!